SORE

It was pitch black and my flashlight had just burnt out. I had been hiking for an hour with friends at 1 in the morning and we still had 4 hours to go to get to the top of the mountain in time to see the sun rise. I was scared to death. The trail was about a foot and a half wide and even though I could not see what lay to the side of the trail, I could sense that it was cliffs. With every step I could feel the weakness in my legs, but I pushed on, one unsteady step at a time, because turning back was simply not an option.

We had began the hike with a group of about 20 people, but before long we all got separated so it was just 4 of us. After my light had burnt out I had to rely on Ricky. Every few steps he would shine his light back towards me to make sure I didn't step wrong on a rock and go tumbling into the darkness. It was hard relying on someone else for my own safety.Not being in control just added to my fears.

At one point the trail we were on began going down the mountain when we knew we were suppose to be going up. The other guy that was with us found an "alternative" route and so we followed him. Before I knew it, I was scaling what seemed to be an 80 degree cliff. I clung to whatever vegetation I could to pull myself up to safety(on the way down we discovered it was a dry waterfall bed). Finally, we reached our destination. We still had some time before the sun rose and so we huddled together in a little shack, in the freezing cold, waiting. I could not wait to get myself off of that mountain. The second I saw the sun rise I took a few moments and enjoyed the beauty that was before me. It was an amazing sight and for a split second I was glad I had made this trip--but then reality set in again and then I booked it down the mountain, leaving everyone else in the dust. I wanted this ordeal to be over and the easiest solution to that was to get down as fast as possible. I practically ran. When I reached the bottom, a good hour before anyone else. I just sat there, so happy to finally be done, to finally not be in danger.

If I had known what I was getting into before I had done it, I know I would have never found myself on that mountain. It was the best thing for me to do that hike in the dark, to not see the dangers that lay to the side of me. Sometimes I think it is best we dont see the whole picture. Its best to leave some things in the dark.

I have been asked before if I would ever like to know the day I was going to die, and it always seemed like a tough decision. On one hand if you knew, you could make sure you did everything you wanted to do before you died, and not have any regrets, but on the other hand, you would live each day with that knowledge looming over you that that day was one less that you got to live. If we see everything before us, all the details laid out, life would be different. We would take less risks because we could see the dangers and the potential failures. Yes, that hike was difficult, more on my mind than anything else, but if I had not done it, I would have missed out on that magnificent sunrise, and the feeling of accomplishment and gratitude for my life that I had when I was sitting in that parking lot waiting for everyone else to come down off the mountain.

Some of the best moments in my life have come in times when I have done something risky, something scary, things that if I had known what it would be like before I had done it, I probably would not have even attempted it. In these moments I have truly felt alive. They make me realize that to have the life I want, I need to feel this way more often.

In the day to day life that most of us lead I feel like we become numb. We do the same thing day in and day out. People think I am weird but one of my favorite feelings in the world is being sore. Feeling sore makes me feel alive. Every movement makes me feel like I am doing something--being something--just like wanting to be pinched when you think you are dreaming--that pain, that discomfort, that break from monotony reminds you that you are there and that you are alive.

As cliche as it is, we need to live each day to the fullest--take risks--feel alive. We need to be sore more often.

Medicine Man

Above my bed is a giant picture of an Indian Chief. I do not know who this man is, what tribe he comes from, or what he did in his life, but what I do know is that he is familiar to me.

Whenever I tell people that I am part Native American, they look at me with a skeptical eye and that confused look is usually followed by laughter. Maybe they laugh because of my blonde hair or maybe its because of my pale white skin--but no matter the reasoning, they usually don't believe me.

I am proud of my heritage. I do not claim to know very much about the history of my people because I don't, but all my life I have felt a connection to these people and their culture. I remember when I was 5 years old, I was playing with our neighbors in their backyard in Portola. We found some arrowheads in their backyard and I kept them as treasures from the past. When I was 10 and we moved to a house in Loomis, the backyard had Indian grinding stones and we would go and gather acorns, grind them up in the holes and pretend like we were the Indian women making dinner for the tribe. To us this was just fun and games but in a way it always came with a sense of reverence.

When I was 15 I took a trip with my dad to my Grandmas house. We went the long way and made a few sidetrips. We turned off the main highway, crossed the river and started descending down on a dirt road barely big enough to fit the car. We finally got to the bottom and it was a small railroad camp. My dad pointed to a spot by the river. That spot was where my great grandma Nina Wood was born in a teepee. I remembering thinking--this is SO cool!

My dad and all his siblings went to register for the tribe and when they walked into the office, the people just stared at them. They thought at first--maybe they think we are imposters--but when they talked to the people they found that the stares came because they looked exactly like relatives of these people. The people in the office pulled out the geneology books and they showed my dad and his siblings the family tree and where they fit into it. They belonged to this tribe and its nice to belong to something.

As I have come to college I have been blessed to get my education for free because of my heritage. But along with that has come the need to defend my heritage and that I actually belong. People take one look at me and they see my Norwegian heritage. But if they looked closer they would see my high cheekbones and my big-boned build. They would see the Indian in me.

I was hanging out with a friend of mine a lot when he had gotten sick. He was worried that he would give me what he had but I told him not to worry, because I am strong and I never get sick. He replied by saying--Oh yeah you got that medicine man watching over you at night--I just laughed but at the same time I realized I kind of feel safer and watched over with him there. The wrinkles next to his eyes remind me of the wrinkles next to my Grandma's eyes. The look of leather in his skin reminds me of my great Grandpa Wood. Whats in the big chief on my ceiling is in my Grandma and its in my Great Grandpa and it is in me.

Two years ago we had a family reunion. We were all sitting in a pavillion outside after our annual golf-tournament and our family started talking about things we remembered. My dad started sharing how my great Grandpa Wood always wanted the family to be together. He said that he would be sad that people were missing from this reunion. We all sat there with tears in our eyes and I think we realized that we had strayed from what was most important--family. In our heritage the tribe was a group of people organized for mutual care and benefit. They looked out for one another. We had let our tribe disintegrate. We had lost people we cared about. Hopefully one day we can all be together again and care for one another like we should.

I love my heritage because it gives me a sense of who I am. As the old saying goes--you can't know where you are going until you know where you have been. I am who I am because of my family.

So when people call me Sacajawea or give me a blanket as a joke I, I take it with a smile because it reminds me of who I am and what an amazing place I come from. And when I go to sleep at night I look up at the big chief and know that I am watched over and that I will always have somewhere to go.

Emotion

In Mitch Alboms Tuesdays With Morrie, he talks about emotions (great book, read it if you havnt already). In life we have things happen to us that enlist certain feelings, some good and some bad. Morrie believed that we should not let our emotions run our life. When we feel sadness or despair, we should not let it control us for more than a moment. When we feel something, we should recognize it for what it is. Say to yourself, this is sadness. I recognize that I am sad, I am going to live these few moments of sadness and then move on.

I think sometimes when things in life happen, like a loved one dying we have a hard time getting through it. We live in our emotions for longer than we should. Life does not wait for us to get over things.

I remember when I was 2 maybe 3 years old my Grandpa passed away. He had come to stay with us because he had Cancer and needed help. That day I had walked up to the high school with my dad to get something from his classroom and when we came back there were ambulences in front of our house. I remember my mom putting all us girls in her bedroom and we couldnt help but peek out and see the paramedics people running down the hallway. He died that day. The next thing I remember was sitting next to my dad on the church pew at the funeral. I distinctly remember looking up and seeing a tear roll down his cheek. That was the first time I remember seeing my dad cry.

I think a lot of people refuse to have emotions or at least show them. When something hard happens they bottle them up inside, until one day they just lose it. I think Morrie is right when he said that we should allow ourselves moments to live in our emotions, but only moments. If we allow ourselves to give into the sadness and despair, just fully live it and recognize it for what it is, we can then move on. When we bottle it up we are just giving it a chance to eat at us slowly.

I am grateful that I saw my dad cry that day. I think that I got my emotions from him. If anyone knows me at all, they know that I cry pretty easily when I feel something. Its almost embarrassing. Every time I go to say goodbye to someone in my family, I always see them look at me to see if I am crying, and I always try to pretend like I am okay but the second my gaze meets their eyes it all comes flooding out--but I live in that moment and then I move on. I recognize my emotions and then I live my life. It is okay to cry and it is okay to feel things. You are not weak if you do. My dad lives his emotions but he does not let them run his life. When he feels touched he lets the tears come and I admire that.

How to Save a Life

And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.

I never knew how much a part of me he was until he was gone. I wished that I could have been there with him, held his hand, let him know how much Goombie loved him.

He always apologized for calling me that as I grew older. He said he knew I was all grown up but that it was just a habit that had carried through the years. I wish I would have told him how much joy it brought me to hear him call me that. There wasn't a sweeter sound to my ears. When he called me that, I felt so loved, I felt important.


He was a man that all men should revere. He was simple, he was quiet. But his actions spoke volumes. He would just sit on his front lawn, watching us play, not saying much, but yet we all knew how much he loved and cared for all of us. As I transitioned into a new phase of my life, from his hospital bed he spoke one sentence, in his gruff little voice, that allowed me to feel more loved by him than any other action or long speech could have conveyed. His simpleness and his quiet way was so powerful. I know he is happy now, and in a better place than this, but I miss him. I cant think of him in any capacity without tears flooding my eyes. He is that kind of man. Mourning for this man will never end for anyone who knew him at all.

On the day that we gathered to mourn his loss, we as his grandchildren didn't know what to do, so we sang. Driving down the highway to the place where he would lay to rest, all stricken with the same grief, we sang. We would have stayed up with him all night, had we known how to save a life. The words rang true in all our hearts. Not one of us would have rather been anywhere else in the world, but at his side. I would give anything to have him here with us, to see us grow and progress in life.

But then the next song came on, and I think we all resignated with the feelings of peace the song conveyed. If I don't say this now I will surely break. My heart has started to separate. Oh Oh Oh, I'll look after you. He was with us. He was looking after us just as he always did from the lawn chair on his front lawn, but this time it was a heavenly seat.

We love him, and we will always love him. He is not here with us but his memory lives on. As small and simple as he was, he will never be forgotten. Ever.

I would have stayed up with you all night.
Had I known how to save a life.

Faith

Faith is knowing that something exists without actually seeing it. I have always believed in the principle of faith, but I don't know that I have ever fully understood it. A lot of times in life I think we have a map that we follow. We think that as soon as we get to a certain place in our life, that things will just fall into place and that we are entitled to these things just because we had faith that they would happen. I think everyone sees the natural progression that they would like their life to take, like going to college, getting married, having kids...the whole bit. When these things do not happen or do not have the right timing, I think we start to question that faith. We believed in these things for so long, we couldn't see them but we still knew that they would happen. There is a big principle that we miss when we have this mindset. We miss the principle of action. We always hear the saying, "Faith without works is dead", but do we really understand and practice it? Faith is a two-fold principle. We need to believe and we need to act on those beliefs.

All of the things we want in life, all of the things we have faith in, are out there. They are out there just waiting for us to stop waiting.

Reason and Passion

"Your Reason and your passion are the rudder and sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining. And passion, unattended is a flame that burns to its own destruction."
--Kahlil Gibran

In life, often we are presented with situations where our minds see one thing and our hearts feel something completely different. What is in our heart, is something that we know would bring us happiness, but it is our minds, our reason if you will, that justifies not going after these things. Our reason tells us that there is too much to lose. Our reason tells us that it is not worth it. So, too often we just sit. We sit confined in our reason, our heart still yearning for its one true desire. Those who break loose of reason may find freedom in so doing, but this world is a world unknown. Our desires may, as written, burn their own destruction.

We must find a healthy dichotomy between our reason and our passion. For if we follow the one, we will ultimately live in world where we are imprisoned by our own hesitations; and if we follow the other we will live in a world full of peril. However, if we allow our passions and our desires guide us to the things we want most, and allow our reason to check in-- keep us from making a grave mistake-- we will have arrived.

Coincidence?

Have you ever pondered the idea of coincidences? Do people just happen to show up in the same place at the same time? Do you just happen to hear exactly what you need to hear when you need to hear it? Or is there no such thing as a coincidence? If this is the case then everything happens for a reason. No person comes into your life, no word is spoken, that in some way or another was meant for you.

These experiences can be so powerful when you recognize them for what they are. Isn't it so comforting to know that people are in your life for a reason? Every person we associate with will affect us in some way. I believe that there is no such thing as a coincidence. Coincidences imply that events are completely random, with no power behind them whatsoever.

I think David Bednar said it best when he related this story in General Conference:

Some time ago I spoke with a priesthood leader who was prompted to memorize the names of all of the youth ages 13 to 21 in his stake. Using snapshots of the young men and women, he created flash cards that he reviewed while traveling on business and at other times. This priesthood leader quickly learned all of the names of the youth.

One night the priesthood leader had a dream about one of the young men whom he knew only from a picture. In the dream he saw the young man dressed in a white shirt and wearing a missionary name tag. With a companion seated at his side, the young man was teaching a family. The young man held the Book of Mormon in his hand, and he looked as if he were testifying of the truthfulness of the book. The priesthood leader then awoke from his dream.

At an ensuing priesthood gathering, the leader approached the young man he had seen in his dream and asked to talk with him for a few minutes. After a brief introduction, the leader called the young man by name and said: “I am not a dreamer. I have never had a dream about a single member of this stake, except for you. I am going to tell you about my dream, and then I would like you to help me understand what it means.”

The priesthood leader recounted the dream and asked the young man about its meaning. Choking with emotion, the young man simply replied, “It means God knows who I am.” The remainder of the conversation between this young man and his priesthood leader was most meaningful, and they agreed to meet and counsel together from time to time during the following months.

That young man received the Lord’s tender mercies through an inspired priesthood leader. I repeat again, the Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness and obedience enable us to receive these important gifts and, frequently, the Lord’s timing helps us to recognize them.

We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance.

God knows each of us by name. He knows our struggles and our weaknesses. He knows when we have simply had enough, and it is in these moments that he speaks to us through his tender mercies. The "coincidences" in our lives do not happen by chance, they happen because a loving father wants them to happen. So next time you hear someone say something that seems to fit too perfectly, don't just credit it to chance, credit your Father in heaven, for it is him who gave you that moment of wonder and peace.